The Art of Anxiety
Senior Exhibition at Buena Vista University
Sometimes the best way to explain a feeling is through art. Art, and other creative outlets, often pose as a way of coping with a mental illness, helping the artist grow and become a happier person. Anxiety and many other mental illnesses often make creativity feel impossible to achieve. There is no doubt that there is a link between mental illness and creativity. Due to the sensationalism surrounding the idea that artists must be suffering from some sort of negativity in their lives to create great art. My series will show that though this is not the case, a struggling artist can make great art despite their suffering. Bringing a sense of purpose and giving an anxiety attack meaning will hopefully take away its power. Anxiety is not inherently negative but becomes dangerous when there is too much of it, especially since it thrives in the unknown. I feel that it is important to raise awareness for people who choose to coexist with their mental illness rather than fighting it, due to mental illness’ way of isolating individuals. Through my senior show, I will hopefully spark conversation about the prevalence of mental illness in today’s society. Although women make up more than half of those living with a mental illness, women are also less likely to receive proper care. I hope to spread awareness of mental health and mental ill-health.
CONCEPT
This exhibition includes a series of paintings exclusively created while experiencing a spout of anxiety, an anxiety attack, or a panic attack. Being creative can be beneficial in times of trauma, anxiety, and sadness as a way of release. Panic attacks are very physical and generally unpleasant, which will translate kinetically into the art-making process. Usually, I am able to tell when an anxiety attack is coming, because they usually start with a migraine, which tells my brain to become worried and scared, even if there is not an obvious reason for doing so. I have always wondered how to explain the feeling of crippling anxiety to others, but never thought to expand such a negative thing into one of my favorite interests: art. My anxiety attacks stem from two distinct feelings: depression and fear. I supplied myself with two large canvases, oil pastels, and some tubes of oil paint. Each time I experienced an anxiety attack fueled by depression, I would work on one canvas (left). When I was experiencing an anxiety attack fueled by fear and worry, I would work on the other (right).
THE PROCESS
I experienced a total of 18 anxiety attacks in a span of two months. I began working on them on March 13th. This was the day I found out that COVID-19 was spreading quickly in the United States, which meant canceling my spring break trip. I was scared and upset and worried about whether I'd even be able to go back to school after spring break. My anxiety attack started as a spout of fear, but as I began working on Fear, it developed into a depression-fueled anxiety attack as I began thinking about what the spread of COVID-19 meant. I stopped working on Fear and moved to Depression. I scrapped everything I had already started for my senior show and focused on this project. Now that I was home all the time, I had access to more supplies, which shifted from smaller canvases and charcoal to large canvases and oil paint. My goal was now to depict my own mental state in quarantine. Although this led to more stress, the stress only opened the door for more opportunities to create. I did not plan the imagery ahead of time. I wanted to show how I felt and let it show itself organically. When I felt the feeling of an anxiety attack, I would force myself to go to my studio and work. As I sat down, I asked myself how I could show others how I felt. I used the imagery, colors, and texture to visually represent my mind and how I made sense of how I was feeling. The paintings changed and developed along with me. There are more layers of paint on these canvases than I could count. I tried not to think about the paintings outside of my anxious state because I felt that this would affect the outcome.
THE OUTCOME
